10). It really, really hurts when you pinch your palm between a bar top and its base while trying to screw said top on.
9). Prayer time is dangerous. (I had an epic wipe out at prayer time. How can this happen, you ask? Two of my children were arguing with each other, [yes, during prayer time] and I turned around in a dining room chair, on my knees, with a cup of hot chocolate, to address them. What happened next is a bit blurry, but there was a sort of slow-motion fall in which I valiantly tried to save my hot chocolate and ended up stretched between two chairs, my head on one, my legs on another, my torso suspended. Hot chocolate, despite my efforts, ended up on my cell phone, the kids’ homework papers, the CD-ROM with my manuscript on it, my daughter, Maggie’s, To Kill A Mockingbird book for school, and numerous other smaller items not worthy of mentioning. Suffice it to say that it created quite a puddle on the table and floor. I am laughing and crying as I write this because my heel is bruised and swollen [your guess is as good as mine], my back, which was already done in by the monthly government commodities delivery today, is scraped and sore, and my family is evil for laughing at my total undoing. The end.)
8). My family members don’t have a sympathetic bone in their five bodies combined. (See #9.) Okay, I’ll admit, I’ll laugh as much as the next guy at a funny fall, but only AFTER I make sure the person isn’t hurt. In my family’s defense, I was laughing and crying at the same time, so it might have been difficult to see how badly I was injured. On the other hand, come on, they should know me by now, the harder I laugh, the more I’m hurt. I’d probably think a bullet wound was freakin’ hilarious, if I didn’t pass out first. I bring the concept of being “put in stitches” to a whole new level.
7). I can scan my fingerprint in on my new laptop instead of entering a password when I log-in!
6). I can scan my fingerprint in for any password field with my new computer! (I’m feeling so James Bond!)
5). Hail can not only dent vehicles, it can scratch them as well. (Yeah, I wish I didn’t know this….)
4). Fourteen trays of “starfish-shaped” nuggets (which bare a strong resemblance to our star-shaped nuggets) for the junior high, plus twenty-four trays for the elementary school takes over an hour to tray up. (Beach day at the school is fun, but exhausting! Was it really I who said, “We should do fun days like this more often.”? What was I thinking?!)
3). You are not supposed to dispose of expired medicine yourself; you are supposed to turn it into the police department. Who knew? (According to my survey… everybody except me!)
2) That 20/20 at the eye doctor’s office doesn’t always equal 20/20 in real life. (It may be time for distance-only contacts and reading glasses!)
1). That, at forty-four, I’ve still got a lot to learn.